Eggcorns, malaprops and buzzwords

Keen followers of this blog will have noticed that I have a love-hate relationship with the inane cliches that office workers like to throw around.  Love-hate in that I hate the people who use them, but I love taking the piss out of them.

The old business cliches and catchphrases are a gold mine of potential mockery.  And today I struck the mother lode. Witness some of the greatest mangled office jargon to date:

• I think we need you guys to act as the central suppository of information.  You know what you can do with your information - you can stick it up your ass.
• if we don't get this resolved it could go on for an internity. If you're walking around with a bunch of documents up your ass then I guess it would seem like an internity.
• we are dealing with some really curly and hairy issues.  Oh good, so my current project is the equivalent of finding a giant pube on your dinner plate.  Are we working in an office here, or making merkins?

Each one is stunning in its simple brilliance.  I have never heard 3 phrases with such grotesque elegance.

I have decided that there are simply too many great buzzwords to simply throw them around willy-nilly.  I need a system.  So, for now, I am sticking with an athletics-based theme for my office jargon.  And how would I describe my current job?:

"we are grappling with some tough issues, and the temptation is to kick for touch.  But if we can get up to speed quickly and hit the ground running, we can get some quick runs on the board and really add value going forward."