Ho Chi Minh - what I've been doing

It's been a hectic couple of days so far.

The food is great. A decent pho (noodle soup which comes with chicken/beef, rice noodles plus plenty of fresh herbs and Vietnamese mint) with a beer will cost you about NZ$4. The local beer is around 80c each and is pretty decent.

Everywhere you go, people are trying to sell you something. For a bunch of supposed commies they sure do love their capitalism. Having said that, most of the vendors approach you with a smile on their face and don't mind when you refuse their offer. This is the opposite of China where the merchants were incredibly aggressive and grabby. It's all on sale here, from the motorbike taxis ("you want moto?" or just the vroom vroom throttle gesture) to the bunches of bananas, or a shoeshine for the man wearing jandals. And of course their bodies are on offer, one motorcycle taxi guy asked me where I'd like to go, starting with the museums and finishing with the offer of "one hour hanky panky". I assume that wasn't with him. There are an alarming number of fat old Westerners with young girlfriends.

Most of the offers are harmless enough, but the old lady selling single cigarettes and the tiny little girl clutching postcards are a bit upsetting.

Visited the War Remnants Museum, the name of which has evolved from the original fabulously named "House for displaying war crimes of American imperialism and the puppet government" through to the current title, the name change reflecting the detante in relations between Vietnam and USA. The main exhibition is called 'Historical Truths' and it houses some graphic documentation of American atrocities, including massacres, torture and Agent Orange birth defects.

Also visited Independence Palace (alternatively Reunification Palace) depending on which perspective of the War you are looking at. This is the former presidential palace of the puppet South Vietnam government, and is frozen in time with its 70s decor and military command post bunker below ground. However it can now be hired for weddings and banquets, which neatly sums up the transition of the country into modern times.

Ho Chi Minh city

Have spent my first day in HCM. The first thing that strikes you is the oppressive heat, and then it's the seemingly infinite number of motorbikes. They are everywhere. People carry passengers (including infants and up to 3 guests), talk on their phones and even eat noodles while on their bikes. Crossing the road for the first time is freaky- you basically just have to go all zen and walk out confidently but slowly. Somehow, all the oncoming traffic makes imperceptible changes of direction and you make it across. Within 2 hours you get quite blaise about the whole thing, and think nothing of stepping out in front of 500 odd motorbikes, a couple of dozen cars and a bus.

If the Inuit have 12 words for 'snow', then the Vietnamese have 2 dozen uses for their horns. It means everything ranging from 'here I come' to 'get out of my way', 'would you like a lift' and 'just needed some attention'. The use of the horn makes all of normal road rules redundant. Bikes fly into the opposite lane and oncoming traffic, and all intersections are a free for all. Somehow it all seems to work. The great thing is that with no road rules, no one gets angry. You can't get mad at someone if they haven't violated any code.

A helping hand before the game

Gary Kirsten, coach of the Indian cricket team, has recommended that his players get laid before their big games. The theory being that sex leads a release of testosterone which improves athletic performance. Naturally, this has lead to an uproar in the devoutly Hindu country.

But of far more interest to this blogger, are the they-almost-write-themselves opportunities for puns and immature giggling.

The Indian team has reportedly been given a four-page dossier outlining the benefits of a bit of a pre-match rumping. As if men need a dossier of information to convince them that sex is good.

Then we have Mike Hussey from the Australian team, commenting that he's been away from his wife for a number of months, so can't partake in this particular piece of advice. However, he notes that

one option is to go solo whilst imagining you have a partner, or a few partners, who are as beautiful as you wish to imagine. No pillow-talk and no hugging required.

Does this mean that the Aussies are officially wankers? And do guys really need advice from other dudes on how to flog the dog?

And, in possibly the best segue ever, this article notes that the Indian cricketers have been encouraged to do the deed before the game, and then notes that

Meanwhile, hard-hitting Indian batsman Yuvraj Singh has been ruled out of the Champions Trophy due to an injury, the Indian cricket board said in a statement on Wednesday."Yuvraj has fractured a finger in his right hand and has been ruled out for six weeks," the Board of Control for Cricket in India said in a press release.

Is this a case of out: handled the ball?

Reality TV- even dumber than you thought

Ever since the Apprentice came out, there have been all sorts of imitation extended job interview reality shows. Now TVNZ is re-hashing the Master Chef concept for NZ (and I hear the Apprentice is in development too).

You'd think this would be a great opportunity for young chefs to make their mark. But no. The conditions of entry include this non-sequitur:

Please note...to enter you cannot have any formal tertiary or other professional catering qualifications acquired in the last 10 years. You cannot have ever worked full-time in a kitchen as a cook, chef or in food preparation.

So whoever is crowned as the Master Chef of New Zealand will be neither a chef, nor a master. Not exactly a Master Chef then.

Here's a few more suggestions for TVNZ reality shows:

• So you think you can dance?- to enter you must be confined to a wheelchair or be a double-amputee
• Who Wants to be a Millionaire- top prize $17.50
• Survivor- first one voted out wins

Don’t take it lying down

I just received an email advising me of an upcoming awareness day for prostrate cancer.

More needs to be done about this horrible, debilitating disease. Signs you have prostrate cancer:

• Being more horizontal than usual
• Lying down a lot
• Unaccountable bouts of reclining
  

You can help fight prostrate cancer. Don’t take it lying down. Stand up and fight!

Biggest douche in the world – entertainment category

Is Bono the biggest douche bag in the world? He’s got to be a contender.

For a start, anyone who wears lavender shades and a cowboy hat, even when inside, is on pretty thin ice.

But what really gets me is the rank hypocrisy over his campaigning for Africa. Bono does a lot of work advocating for debt relief and increased foreign aid for Africa. There’s a couple of big problems with this.

The first is the theory that foreign aid (i.e. handouts) is what Africa needs. This only fosters an on-going reliance on charity and doesn’t address the real issues such as democratic reform, education and training of the people, or proper market access for local producers. Of course, this is nowhere near as glamorous as big celebrity-endorsed concerts and charity drives, and there’s a whole industry grown up around this concept of charity.

Unfortunately, even if charity was needed, Bono’s private actions do not live up to his public admonitions. You see, Ireland is tax-haven, particularly for artists who did not pay any tax on royalties. And when Ireland moved to cap this tax-free band at 250,000 euros, U2 moved its tax base to the Netherlands, rather than pay (a still very low) 15% marginal tax rate. For example, all the money made from the Vertigo tour, which was used to promote the ONE campaign to increase US foreign aid donations, was channelled through tax-minimising companies in low tax companies. The Vertigo tour made US$389 million in ticket sales. And that's just the ticket sales of one of their tours- not to mention all the other tours, merchandising and spin-off enterprises.

The only way that governments can afford charity, debt relief, or development funds is through a functioning tax system. Bono’s actions fail the basic test of social behaviour- what would happen if everyone acted that way? If we could all afford to move our finances to off-shore tax havens, then there would be no foreign aid at all. And developing countries in Africa would have none of their own tax revenue to spend on roads, schools or hospitals.

You can read about the tax avoidance here.

And the African problem here.

Contender for wtf moment of the year

Stalin's grandson is suing a Russian newspaper for besmirching the honor of the great man of steel.

I may have missed something, but my recollection was that Stalin was one of the most brutal tyrants of the 20th century, if not all time. Highlights of his CV include murdering and imprisoning millions of his countrymen, aligning with Hitler, and creating a cult of personality around himself.

It seems that Stalin's grandson wants to set the record straight, and let us know the true kitten-petting charity-giving side of the Soviet dictator. Perhaps the next projects for the grandson could be:

• Hitler "come on he wasn't that bad"
• Titantic "it was just a small leak- they could have bailed it out"
• Chernobyl "helps us get our recommended daily intake of uranium"

Epic fails - policy and language

Here's a tip- if you're from a party that got its bottom smacked at the last election, largely due to (perceptions of) economic mis-management and nanny-stateism, then don't propose a new Commission of Social Inclusion as a great idea.

That's right, one of Labour's MPs has described a Commission of Social Inclusion as something we should aspire to, presumably on the basis of the tremendous work and value for money of the Families Commission.

But wait, there's more. In describing how this Commission could work, we get the following literary turds:

• embedded in, but not part of, government
• consultation replaced with active listening
• world-wide network of researchers and policy makers informing thinking;
• recommendations based on evidence-based research
• joined up solutions that are effective

My personal favourite- active listening. Listening is, by definition, passive. Evidence based research is pretty good too. Are you aware of any other forms of research?

Good work guys - way to keep your fingers on the pulse of the issues that matter most for NZers.

Teenager

Teenager walks into Mojo coffee store. "Hi, do you accept Mojo coffee cards?"

Fortunately they did, which is lucky for him as if they didn't he'd have to chance his arm and see if they accept cash.

Regarding issues that have arisen

Here's a couple of humdingers that I've come across this week. These have both gone out as official correspondence, and one of which was a legal document (details removed for obvious reasons).

1. I am interesting in speaking with someone regarding the [blank] as a result of a meeting between [blank and blank] regarding the idea for using [blank]under this project and to take advantage of the scheme.


2. The employee has raised a grievance arising out of issues that have arisen in her employment.

It's like poetry.

Silver bullets

I'm getting really sick of hearing about silver bullets. People love to use this little turn of phrase to show how complex their pet issue is. For example, there's no silver bullet for solving teenage binge drinking, as it requires some pro-active feed-forward with key stakeholders around a number of issues.

The thing is, none of the real issues in this world can be solved with a silver bullet. Well, except werewolves.

So, if you're talking about the plague of werewolves infesting the local villagers, then knock yourself out with silver bullet solutions. Otherwise, drop the lousy metaphor.

More corporate bullsh*t

Yesterday I had a training and development course which focused on how to build better relationships with colleagues and other 'key stakeholders'.

One of the things we learned was how to give advice to others. Up to this point, the preferred method is to give feedback to someone (another one of those bastardised technical terms that has taken on everyday usage). But apparently, that's too negative, as feedback is seen as criticism, and it focuses on the past.

So, now, we're told to give "feed-forward". That means you tell someone how they could do better in the future, without criticising their past actions. I feel all warm and fuzzy just thinking about.

I asked whether the 'compliment sandwich' (aka the sh*t sandwich) was a viable alternative, but this didn't go down too well.

*update*

yes, it hurts. Imagine rope burn so bad that it rips the skin off your finger.

Good journalism

I heard on the news that a man has "been charged with allegedly murdering his partner".

Does that mean he might be found guilty of alleged murder?

Word of the day

Ground-truthing: what bullsh*t marketing types say instead of 'testing'.

So, instead of testing our assumptions with business, we undertake some ground-truthing with key stakeholders. And if they like it, then that's "on-boarding". Which is really pro-active going forward.

tip of the day

If you're climbing ropes one handed at the gym, try not to slip at the top and rip big chunks of skin off your hand.

The advice I received on treating it was to "keep it moist". Probably the grossest phrase ever uttered?

Definitions

Dread - taking your seat on the plane, and finding your next door neighbour is an extroverted, long blinking, highly evangelical pastor clutching a bible. With a bad case of b.o. And the air vent is already on full but makes no difference. And he has just discovered that a long lost friend is sitting the row across from him, and they need to start recounting their lives to this point.

Relief- said pastor and long lost friend get moved by the flight attendant so they can spend some quality time together.

Trademe sales pitch

A genuine listing:

Real Pirhana on solid wooden mount. These totally genuine and totally unigue mounted fish are the real M'cCoy. and are displayed with their mouths open and their teeth clearly on display. They have been dried and laquared in Amazonia and fumagated (under MAF supervision in NZ) The fish is 160 mm. long about 88 mm. deep, has a red /orange lower half and has 28 razor sharp teeth 2 to 3mm. long keenly displayed. This is (was) a truly forocious fish. Understood to be the most terrifying in the world and is the true embodiment of the legend.The man eating fish of the the amazon. Hand caught and processed. A must for anyone that admires or wishes to protray teeth or guts. Great for your lovers desk and tottally unique .

I don't know where to start.

Apropos my previous

Someone just asked: What is your timeframe around this in terms of when you want feedback by?